Bring It On, 2015

First, why can't I type 2015 without instead typing 2915? That's going to be awesome...

Wishing you all a rollicking New Year's Eve and 2015 (or 2915) that includes good vibrations of all sorts, peace, love and understanding.

See you all in 2015!

Play-Doh: My First Dildo

Wow. Just wow.

So, Play-Doh has a Cake Mountain set, which includes a frosting extruder. Okay, all fine, except that the clear frosting extruder happens to look like a penis -- or as the article lists it, a "veiny donk". And about there is where I burst into hysterics because I've never heard the term "donk" used for a penis before.

Parents are of course in an uproar because their wee precious lambs are playing with what closely resembles plastic dildos. Oy, people, please unclench a bit. If your kids know what a dildo looks like, I'm going to take a wild guess they're not playing with Play-Doh.

And this faux dildo spurts out "frosting"? Pardon me while my inner 12-year old loves the evilness that created this product.

Now excuse me -- I need to run out to Target to see if they have any more of these in stock. I already have party guests create penises out of Play-Doh at my sex toy parties. Now they'll have a mold!

My Latest "Freebie" List

As it should, the "freebie" list changes over time. And mine definitely has. Here's the latest one:

1. Alexander Skaarsgard -- The height. Those arms. That ass. The ability to look like a Norse god while sitting out in the snow buck naked, and the confidence to know he's damn fine and to go full-frontal on screen while doing so. Oh, yes, he gets the first spot.
2. Kevin Nash back when he started out in WCW as Diesel. Again, the height, those muscles, and the knowledge that he could easily protect me from anything. Yup, yup, yup.
3. Michael Landon -- I get it. This one's a bit random. But work with me here. Pa from "Little House on the Prarie" was hot. And even when he played an angel in "Highway to Heaven", he still had that highly do-able quality.
4. Bruce Willis -- Specifically in "Die Hard". Hot and lean and powerful. Yippee-ki-yay mother fucker, indeed.
5. David Bowie as the Goblin King in "Labyrinth". Yeah, that probably shows a whole slew of S&M interests there, but he was hooooot. And hell, I wrote a whole blog post previously about that bulge.

Okay, who's on your list?

Ball Shrinkage

Okay, we've all heard about shrinkage -- and if you're a woman and didn't know that penises shrink in the cold, you knew after that Seinfeld episode, am I right?

Well, I just learned today that balls also shrink in the cold. What?? How is that even possible? I was shocked when I heard that.

Seriously, not a clue how you guys walk around with those things.

Resolutions for 2015

It's nearing the end of the year, which of course means it's New Year's resolutions time, right?

But what if you're not a big fan of resolutions -- mainly because you tend to make resolutions and then let them kind of fall away by the wayside... Not that I've ever done that, no. Okay, fine. I most certainly have. I make a great coach because keeping other people motivated in their resolutions is as easy as breathing for me. I want other people to succeed and stick with them to make it so.

Myself? Hmm, I kind of think that would be a whole other blog suitable for a therapist's reading if I delved into how I falter on my own resolutions and don't focus on making my own success/happiness  happen. 😁

So, instead of opening that can of worms, let's focus on two resolutions I know I can and will make happen:
1. Drink more water. I know I don't drink nearly enough which leads to feeling mildly dehydrated and that equals bad. So water. And the right amounts of it.
2. Finally finish writing that book. A few things have happened in the past couple of weeks that brought the book to the forefront again, and now it is really time to make it happen. So I will.

So, what's your resolution? I want to know.

Eff, Marry, Kill -- The I Can't Even Edition

Anyone who's read this blog knows I love the "Fuck, Marry, Kill" game and this latest one from Buzzfeed is no exception.

I was merrily going down (the list, pervs) when I got to the part of "Bloodsucking guys who look great in tank tops" -- consists of Marcel from "The Originals", Damon Salvatore from "Vampire Diaries" and Mr. Eric Northman from "True Blood".

Now, Mr. Eric Northman (and the actor who plays him -- Alexander Skarsgard) has always been the primo #1 on my celeb freebie list. Come on.... Look at him. He's tall; built and just hooot. He's sex on a stick. He's also blonde, which has never been my thing, but for him? Dayum. Just dayum.

So, he's an easy one for the Fuck or Marry choice. No question. Hell, both. Fuck him and marry him. But Marcel and Damon? I also want both of them. Can I just fuck or marry or both all of them?

I don't want to kill any of these guys. That would be a travesty to hotness everywhere. I won't. Not gonna do it. Just no.

So, these three boys get their own game -- Fuck, Fuck or Fuck. Everyone wins.

15 Facts about Boners

Caught this article, 15 Hard Facts about Boners, on Buzzfeed today. And damn, boys, how the hell do you walk around with those things?!

11 erections in a day are common? Good luck having that not noticed in a work meeting!

Smoking can cause an erection to be smaller than it normally would? Hmm, if that's not a reason for any guy to give up smoking, I don't know what will.

Fascinating reading here, peeps.

Red Peters: Ballsy Songs to Delight Your Inner 12-Year Old

Was typing the phrase "the whole family" today when an old Red Peters song came into my head. It's called "How's Your Whole... Family?". I was introduced to these songs back in the mid-90s -- pretty sure it was through the Howard Stern show. Anyhoo, all of the lyrics are blatant innuendos, due to space placement when singing, such as a line in the song of "Won't you do my as... trological chart?" And "Suck on a stiff cock... tail with me".

Yes, his music so appeals to my inner 12-year old. Very, very much so.

Come on. The guy wrote "The Ballad of a Dog Named Stains" just so he could build up to singing "Come Stains". (Think about it for a second if you have to... All set there, Sparky?)

Good stuff. If you haven't checked it out or ever heard of him before --- and you don't mind truly bawdy lyrics, take a listen. :)

People be Crazy & Amazingly Forward

I'm about to date myself a bit here, but the last time I was dating (been married for a while now) the Internet was only just taking off and I seem to remember that cell phones were just used for calls then. No texting nor FB messaging nor camera phones.

No, I didn't date in the 50s, but sometimes I feel like I really did when I hear tales from friends of what's going on out there in this strange new world of dating or hooking up.

A friend (young guy in his late 20s) has been regaling a group of us (we all think of each other as family -- he's like our younger brother) with the tales of the crazy women he has encountered. What he said today however took the cake. I was speechless for a few minutes -- which is a rarity!

He said that girls he doesn't even know/has never met nor spoken to before message him asking him for sex. What?? I'm sorry. What?? This is a thing? Wtf, kids?

One girl messaged him for the first time ever complimenting his eyes in his profile pic and said that he better get over there before she dries up. Holy shit. I would have never, ever sent something like that to someone -- let alone someone I've never spoken to before.

The scariest thing is that this a pretty common occurrence, which means many girls are doing the same thing. Since this is something that's happening often, it makes me think girls are doing so because it has actually worked on other guys in the past. Ack.

I'm just baffled. And horrified for both genders, because I've of course seen the Tinder posts on Buzzfeed where a guy asks a woman for sex in his first contact with her or sends a dick pic to her without her request. So yes, it's both genders that are being just insanely rude.

What the ever-loving fuck, people? Find some class. Maybe these antics will get you a one-night stand, but I can't imagine it will ever lead to a lasting relationship. Wise up (and wow -- I'm sounding ancient here. Is "Get off my lawn" next??).

But kids, find some self-confidence and stop hitting full-throttle on anyone you come across. Not cool.

Trickedoo for Sons of Anarchy Fans

Seriously? People are crazed to find out how "Sons of Anarchy" is going to end as a series and ideas are swirling.

Well, not for everyone. The creators of the show put biiiig tidbits about the series finale into a book, which was then released a bit earlier than planned. Namely, before the series finale aired.

Holy fuck. That's quite a mistake. The show's creator, Kurt Sutter, has said that heads will roll over the incompetence, but he also takes responsibility since the book and the information in it was his idea. Gotta appreciate that.

Now, I've never seen the show -- screenshots of Charlie Hunnam's ass notwithstanding -- so I don't care if I learn about the series finale spoiler details or not. But for those who have watched the show for years... Maybe stay offline til the finale airs. Because that's doable, right?

Sexy Mother Pucker

Okay, you got me, Sephora. Sending me your latest email advertisement and putting Sexy Mother Pucker XL Extreme-Plump Collagen Lip Shine right in the middle of it did indeed catch my eye.

One, because I'm a 12 year old boy at heart and Sexy Mother Pucker is funny.

Two, because we all know that when guys think of big plump lips, they think of blow jobs -- and well, that's always fun and hot.

Well played, Sephora. Although telling me it should be a gift for my "superb sister" might not be the case. I'm thinking I want that for me.

Yoo hoo, Santa baby...

A Leap of Fun

Part of my sex toy biz is hosting parties to demo the products -- no, not porn. I'm not demo'ing them on myself nor others, despite what some may think. I just hold up the products, turn on the products that are turn-on'able and show them off.

Anyhoo, some of these parties are FB events. And for those I record videos in advance so I'm not pulling out the toys and talking about them while my son is in the house. Wee bit illegal that.

Well, for a party tonight, I dug out a bullet from my bag that has a wired control to it. I had heard rave, rave, rave reviews about this product but hadn't tried it nor ever turned it on. So on the video, I turned on the bullet and it is so powerful that it literally leapt out of my hand. Holy shit. That is power right there.

Yeaaah, I'll be raving about that product at parties now. Yowza. And it absolutely scored on the nose test -- where you see how a vibrator would feel on your clit or on your partner's shaft by placing it against the tip of your nose. Total wow factor.

A 15-Minute Orgasm from Marijuana

Despite having this blog, I am pretty straight-laced. Have never even smoked a cigarette, let alone marijuana -- yes, y'all can start singing "Look At Me. I'm Sandra Dee" now. Go ahead.

But with that said, my buddy Ginger directed me to an article today about a lubricant made from marijuana, which has been shown to cause a 15-minute long continuous orgasm. Hmm. Mmmm. Sorry -- was in daydream mode for a second there.

It's funny because when I think of someone taking marijuana -- and this is based entirely on movies -- I think of laid-back lackadaisical people who are in rush to do anything. And y'all have heard of (or experienced) alcohol dick, right? Aka the inability to get it up when one is plastered? Yeah, I kind of just assumed it was the same thing when one takes marijuana.

But, based on this article, maybe I'm wrong. Not that I'm going to take up smoking marijuana, but this marijuana lubricant sounds all kinds of interesting. Sadly, it's only currently available to medical marijuana patients in California. Make that accessible nation-wide now. Please.