How a Bryan Adams' Song Brought Me Back in Time

While I was work blogging today, I had the "soft rock" station on. I know. You're all laughing. But it helps me to write having background music and the soft rock channel is the best one because I don't wind up getting up and dancing or singing along like I do when pretty much any other station is on. It's just muzak. Well, until today.

Bryan Adams' "All For Love" from the soundtrack of "The Three Musketeers" movie came on, and I suddenly remembered what that song meant to me in college. For a while, I was obsessed with that song Senior year thanks to (wait for it) a guy. Of course. But, the funny thing is, I had completely forgotten about this guy until I heard this song. For all the thinking about him back in college, and there was far too much at one point, now he means nada to me and I'm slightly embarrassed to say I can't even remember his name.

I'd look him up in the yearbook, but he didn't go to college with me. Instead, I met him through a personal ad. Again, yes, you're all laughing. I am, too. But it was Senior year and I was licking my wounds after dating a buddy hadn't worked out (nothing personal to him at all, but when I kissed him, it felt like I was kissing a relative and that was not sexy in the slightest LOL) so I had figured what the hell, let's see what happens and posted it in the Personals section of the local city paper.

Back then, the Internet didn't exist, so I had to call into a voice mail box to see if I had any messages. And to my surprise, there were quite a few. One memorable one that I think I've mentioned here before was from an artist who was convinced that he and I were fated to be together and left numerous rambling voice messages to that end. Now, looking back, I'm very proud of my then-self for not contacting that guy because that's the kind of shit that then-me would have lapped up. But I didn't.

However, I did contact the guy who was my age and went to a college that was in that nearby big city. He sounded normal, so I left him a return message or called him and we agreed to meet up. A friend and I picked him up at the local train/subway station since there wasn't a direct stop at all to our college and he and I went to go see "The Three Musketeers", so I affiliated that song with him for a while.

We must have hit it off (I do remember thinking that first kiss was definitely NOT like kissing a relative, thank heavens...) because we agreed to hang out again. He came up again and a group of us (including the buddy I had tried dating and his then-girlfriend) went out to the local pub for dinner and drinks. (Side note: Because of this, I realized this was senior year and not junior year, because I wouldn't have been out at a bar drinking junior year.) Then, we came back and were playing some "I never" drinking game up in the suite. I don't remember how this came about, but the guy admitted that he had worked as a gigolo when he was working out of town the previous summer and was seeing the wives of a bunch of politicians. Ooookay. That was a bit much for my little then-virginial self to handle. Yikes.

He did spend the night in the dorm room and no, dear readers, nothing happened other than making out. What I do remember of him the most is that he had a school meeting the next morning so he had to get up early, and because I had no car, one of my good buds was graceful enough to let me use her car to drop him back off at the train/subway station. I seem to remember that he called a few times after that, but ehh, not my cup of tea at all, so I stopped answering his calls and he stopped calling.

Now that I'm thinking of him though, I wish I could remember his name or even just his first name. Hoping that I haven't somehow run into him over the years and have no recollection of it. If so, sorry dude!

Yeesh, all of that memory from one little song.

Public Speaking

As part of my freelancing/owning my own consulting company, I've been attending scores of business-to-business (B2B) networking events. The first one I attended was absolutely nerve wracking as small talk has never exactly been one of my traits, nor going up to strangers and starting a conversation. OMG, this person could hate me and shun me and turn away and mock me wasn't an uncommon (albeit irrational at best) thought before leaving for that first event. 

But, to my surprise, I actually found myself smiling and talking to new people with ease and having conversations with them. Seems bursting way the hell out of my shell by selling sex toys at house parties was exactly what I needed to make networking events seem like a breeze in comparison. Who knew? 

This skill has also helped in interviewing with companies for freelancing gigs because I now go in with the mentality that I'm there to help the person/company instead of fretting about if they'd like me or would hate me on sight and want to flee (thank you, years of being an overly self-conscious person for that perception). What I need to know when I'm meeting with a company these days is if *I* like them and want to work for them. Yes, of course, I'm there to hawk my skills and what I can do for them but at the same time, I'm not nervous, feel confident and am observing and considering if the company is a right fit for ME. So, so important. Trust me on this. I've not listened to my gut instinct in interviews before and should have. 

Today's event was interesting as I met a woman that I hadn't previously met before. She started up a local access TV show to promote successful entrepreneurs who have been in the business for 3 years or more. That doesn't apply to me yet. Key word there -- yet. But she and I got to talking and she told me how she teaches classes at a local business center and how I would be absolutely perfect to teach a class on my specialties (which I won't list here so as to stay far, far away from having this online persona connect in any way with my business life) because I'm so outgoing, bubbly and have a great speaking voice and presence. 

Holy shit. Internally, I was stunned because my first thought (again, thank you to years of growing up without self-confidence) was "Me? Seriously? Are you crazy?! I have nada to teach a class and would just turn beet red and mumble and bore the shit out of everyone." 

But, as we spoke further and my brain decided to shut the hell up, I thought about it and realized she was actually right. I've been hearing more and more from people I meet with at these events and at interviews about my bubbly outgoing demeanor and how easy it is to talk to me. And I know that I have information to give to people just based on what I do and heck, I have presented on the topics before in person to sales teams and others (again, keeping this kind of vague). She was actually the 3rd person recently who has broached the topic of public speaking to me but was the first one who actually mentioned a specific center that might work really well. 

So, when I hear from her about the information (and yes, I've already reached out -- fortune's in the follow-up, kids...), I'll talk to them and see what's possible. It's an exciting idea and these days have been insanely odd but fun/nutty days. More to follow... 

Just Breathe. Inhale. It's All the Same

Since it's April 20th -- aka 4/20 -- aka international (or is it national?) pot day, this seemed appropriate.

Let's start this right off the bat. I've never smoked pot -- or poked smot as said in "It's Complicated". And if y'all haven't seen that movie starring Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, John Krazinski and Steve Martin, go now. Seriously. Stop reading this post and go watch it. It is awesome. So freaking funny and just human and there's a whole scene about Meryl Streep smoking pot and it is hysterical.

I have nothing against smoking pot. Hell, I see the benefits of using it to relax and also in easing pains, anxiety, etc. I know far too many people who have been/are in pain from various forms of cancer and other issues and pot has helped them immensely, so I think it really needs to be legalized in all the states because the benefits there far outweigh the risks.

For me, it's a control thing. I like being in control of pretty much everything and feel I'd lose that if I ever smoked pot. I could be wrong, and of course that need to be in control probably shows a reason why I *should* try it. But I think about the one time I was having wisdom teeth pulled and they gave me laughing gas as I didn't want to be fully put under. Yeah, in about two minutes of being on the laughing gas, I thought the room was spinning and was convinced that the nurses and everyone else had left and forgotten about me and had left me there to die. Oy. Told the nurse, who not too surprisingly hadn't left the office, and she turned that off on the immediate and I was fine with just an extra shot of novocaine.

But yes I can see the allure. Having dealt with good ol' anxiety much of my life, which ebbs and flows depending on what's going on, something that would ease that shit seems like a good thing. But there's meth for that. Kidding. Seriously. (And to anyone reading this -- if you think I'm using meth when I won't even try pot, I've got a bridge to sell ya. ;) )

I was actually thinking of breathing and inhaling the other day -- but not in a pot way. I was receiving a Reiki treatment for the first time when it suddenly dawned on me that I might not be breathing properly. Seriously? Breathing properly?? Yes, again, anxiety hits -- clear sign there when I'm wondering if people could be critiquing the way I'm breathing during a Reiki treatment of all things. I suddenly became so focused on my breathing and inhales and exhales and wasn't at all focusing on oh, the relaxing I was supposed to be doing. I was much happier when I had to lie on my stomach instead of my back for the second half so my inhales and exhales weren't as evident.

This has happened as well during any massage I've had at a salon. At least during the first one. A couple of years back, I worked near a salon and regularly had massages. During the first one, I remember also wondering how my breathing was but then got out of my own head and was able to actually just let myself go and enjoy the massage and focus on how freaking relaxing it was rather than if I was breathing properly. That wasn't the same recently when I went to a new place for a massage -- It was a level 3 or 4 therapeutic massage and ouuuuch, my shoulders and neck were killing after. Nothing relaxing about it, but I'm realizing that I wasn't focusing on my breathing as I was too focused on the dayum that hurts, stop that now aspect. Needless to say, I realized I like the Level 2 therapeutic massages a lot more and didn't sign up for another one there.

Meditation -- I can inhale and exhale quite normally then, or at least I don't focus on it, probably because I don't have someone else's hands on me then. All I have to do then is listen to Andy's awesome British accent through the Headspace app (check it out if you haven't). Very, very relaxing.

Inhale. Exhale. Breathe in calm. Breathe out the bullshit. If you need pot to do so, do it.

Coffee, Scars & Other Things

I've been watching Hulu's 11.22.63 (and if you haven't, go now and watch it -- amazing, but also read the book because it is quadruple amazing) and I've been very, very, very leery of watching the most recent 3 episodes as one character gets injured and develops a lasting scar. I'm being vague as hell here for anyone who hasn't watched/read and doesn't want to know.

Wasn't sure at all why the thought of seeing it was freaking me out so much, because hell, I'm a Game of Thrones fan and have seen decapitations and worse and been completely fine. And yes, I know it's fiction and no one's really getting injured, but I was still worried about this one stupid scene. 

Thankfully, a good friend is also watching the show and assured me that it really wasn't that bad. So I watched and yes, dear reader, it was completely fine. (Okay, so I watched from behind my fingers -- you know, like when you're watching a horror movie and hold your hand in front of your face to kind of hide what's going on on the screen. Not sure why that works, but it does LOL)

Anyhoo, I was thinking about that this morning while taking a shower and happened to be putting some sugar scrub on my right arm and shoulder and caught a glimpse of a scar I have on my shoulder. Oh, hey, dawning light. Lasting scars. Yup, I know about them. 

My story is nowhere near as awful as the book/movie but it's mine. I was with my family at a family friends' house for dinner one night back when I was 9 or 10. I know it was before 5th grade as we moved away right before 5th grade and it hadn't just happened then. So maybe 3rd grade? We had finished dinner and my parents and their parents were in the kitchen while the kids were playing in the living room. I was wearing a wrap skirt and wanted to be a ballerina at the time, so I came dancing into the kitchen to show off my dance moves and twirls. But, as I made a twirl, my wrap skirt started to come apart. Ack. I twirled the other way to gather the skirt back up and twirled straight into my mom, who was turning from the kitchen stove with a freshly brewed pot of coffee in her hand. I knocked into her arm (not her fault at all -- entirely mine and that damn wrap skirt) and the coffee spilled straight onto my right shoulder. Yup, ouch. 

Thankfully, my memories of after that have faded quite a bit over the years, but I do remember screaming in their bathroom off the kitchen as my mom (who's a nurse) put cold water on the burn to soothe it before we rushed to the ER, and I remember something about being in the hospital and the mention of skin grafts -- although I don't know if I actually needed a skin graft or if it was mentioned that I didn't need one. 

I also remember not wanting to wear a tank top nor a bathing suit without a shirt on top of it for years upon years after because I felt so hideous with this quarter-sized raised red scar on my shoulder. I wouldn't even let my then BFF see the scar three years later after I'd moved to the new town for Dad's new job and I was having a sleepover. I felt like a monster. 

So, yeah, anything that mentions "lasting scar" is apparently a bit of a trigger for me. Oof. Now, all these years later, I only rarely think of the scar. It's faded over time to be the color of the rest of my shoulder -- although it's a bit pink today. It must know I'm thinking about it. ;) It's still there (of course) but I happily have been sporting tank tops for years without giving it a second thought. Time really does heal all wounds.

As for coffee, that smell from that moment turned me off to coffee so much that I never drank coffee until about 4 years ago. I'd never realized until just today that there might have been a reason for that because the smell of the coffee made me think for so long about the scar. I probably would have gone on never drinking coffee except that an old friend knew I loved pumpkin everything and that my office at the time had a Keurig machine, so he sent some pumpkin spice K-cups to me at the office. I couldn't not try them after that so I had one and put a toooon of creamer in it. And I really liked it. That moved on to French Vanilla coffee with loads of french vanilla creamer and milk, and now I'm where I actually prefer it more as a regular coffee with a bit more milk but no sugar whatsoever. Guess that affiliation has also been busted in my head. 

And now, dear reader, I'm taking myself to the lake to sit and read. :) And yes, I'll be wearing a tank top. 

Torn between Two Lovers...

Bachelor Ben's acting like a fool... Telling two bachelorettes you love them is breaking alll the ruuuules...

Yeah, sorry for that earworm, but "The Bachelor" got it in my head, so I share my pain with you all.

Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. What were you thinking? Or really, what were you thinking WITH and I think we all know the question to that. Oh, hey there, "little Ben". Or maybe not so little considering JoJo's statement post-Fantasy Suite that the night prior exceeded her imagination. Hmm, think I'll have to look at Benny Boy in a whole new light. Although I think we saw a bit of that during his waterfall romp with JoJo. Hellloooo, pitched tent in those swim trunks. But, jeez, considering JoJo's bikini top that was hardly holding in the faux girls, I kind of can't blame him.

Poor Caila. Girl got shafted. Umm, pun wasn't intentional there, but I'm leaving it because it's true in both senses. I feel for her having to sit through watching this episode seeing how happy she was blissfully unaware that Ben was telling Lauren and JoJo that he loved them -- while she thought that he was saying he loved her with his eyes and his breath. His breath? Is that a thing? What on earth was in his breath that made her think that? Pheromones aren't secreted via breath, honey. I got shades of Olivia with that statement. Ben is pretty open with his feelings -- and this ep made that all too clear. If he's feeling something he's going to say it. There's no hidden/subtle signs here.

But on a truly shallow (which I've already showed in spades I am), Caila's hair? Holy shit. What does she use because the girl has gorgeous, gorgeous hair. It's most likely genetics but still. Sweetie, I'm sure hair companies will be calling you for ads because you have hair commercial hair. That's a compliment, really. I may have issued a gazillion "Oh, honey"s during Caila's part of the episode, but she's gorgeous and was a true class act when she was let go. Even when she got out of the car to question him -- and thankfully stopped herself from asking if he knew before they had sex -- it was classy through and through. May have also been an audition of sorts for "The Bachelorette", but hey, girl had it spot on with the class. Props.

Next was Lauren. According to sources, the dates actually filmed with Caila first then JoJo and then Lauren with a day in between each... which makes sense for giving little Ben time to recover in between each fantasy suite if he really did sleep with all three women. I've got to admit. This part of this show always skeeves me out. If the Bachelor or Bachelorette really does know who they're going to pick from the beginning, why have sex with all three or even just two just because they can. I get it that people want to sow their wild oats (yes, old phrase - get off my lawn, kids!) but if I was on this show (neveeeeer gonna happen since I'm old and not single), I would not be thrilled being picked knowing that my fiance just slept with two other women. No thank you. Just ick galore.

Sorry, rant there. Back to Lauren. First, what was with her gait? It looked like she'd just ridden a horse (not a euphemism there). One blogger posted that it looks like she was chafed. If so, aaack at the thought of being chafed/irritated right before Fantasy Suite night. I'm just going to let that sink in for a minute because chafing and irritation would not at all lead to sexy time in the fantasy suite. There would be a BJ and that is about it because otherwise, that's just further irritation and there's not enough alcohol in the world to make that not be horrific. Anyhoo, let's just hope that's how she's always walked and it's just never been noticeable before. Ben sure looked happy enough the morning after (and the film crew made sure to show Lauren's dress lying on the floor LOL) so clearly they did get intimate in whatever sense.

It really was adorable when he said that he's known for a while that he's in love with her. It was LESS adorable when he then said "I love you" to JoJo, too. Or actually it was to JoJo first knowing the filming schedule, but whatever.

JoJo's date under the waterfall definitely did look hot. Girl, DO go chase those waterfalls. They're a good location for ya. And her reaction to Ben telling her he loved her, too, was so, so real and surprised. Loved the look on her face as she said "What? Can you actually say that?" She was taken by surprise and it was a really sweet moment. Again, I'm sure that she and Lauren both watched this episode saying wtf to Ben saying it to both of them. And it left me wondering how the chosen girl (no spoilers here) felt watching this episode now that she's engaged to the guy. That's not a spoiler. He admitted it on a morning show Tuesday morning. Ooof. Again, brutal.

Caila's departure was so sad -- and had producer-driven antics all over it. There's no question that they put in her ear that she should go over and surprise him, knowing that he'd told JoJo and Lauren that he loved them and would be sending Caila home. I'm glad that he didn't wait til the rose ceremony to do so, but it still stung for the poor girl. She was so happy coming up to him to surprise him.

And that rose ceremony. Oooof. Two roses, two girls. Easy. But that hug that Ben gave to both of them as it sunk in that both of the girls looked happy and like they were both confident had to be tough as hell. The look on each one's face as the other gave their toast about "fantasy suites" and "love" was awful.

Next week is the Women Tell All, and then the most. dramatic. finale. ever. So much has been made about the phone call that Ben makes from the proposal location, but my guess is he's just calling his parents/mom like he did in the very first episode. No drama there.

Eff, Marry, Kill -- Looking Back

Waiting to hear about a job, and I'm pretty much Veruca Salt when it comes to patience about such things, so that's going well. ;)

So, besides applying to other jobs (also doing that as well), I figured I'd revisit an old Eff, Marry Kill blog post from June of 2014 to see how my thoughts have changed since then if at all. Hilariously enough, it was called "Eff, Chuck, Marry" at the time. Not sure why "Kill" was so bad, but alrighty...

1. Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, and Zac Efron

• EFF: Ryan Gosling -- He's hot. The abs in "Crazy Stupid Love". Dayum!! Yeah, in a heartbeat. 
• CHUCK: Zac Efron -- Rocking body, but too young. Next. (Still the same.) 
• MARRY: Channing Tatum -- He had the "eff" spot last time, but after seeing him dress up as Elsa and Beyonce in "Lip Sync Battle", he looks like he's hot AND hilarious. So that's a winning combo there. 

Here's where things got difficult and are still difficult.

2. Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyonce

• EFF: Katy Perry because she's a total girl crush of mine. 
• CHUCK: Do I have to? :( Okay, fine. Rihanna, but for no real reason. Can I eff her and Katy Perry?
• MARRY: Beyonce, because she is the one, the only, the Queen B. 

3. Guys from One Direction -- Zayn, Niall and Harry
CHUCK: All three of them. Far too young. Not interested. Still true...

Okay, fine. If I have to make a choice -- which kind of defeats the purpose of this game if I didn't.

• EFF: Zayn, because he looks the oldest of them all. 
• CHUCK: Niall 
• MARRY: Harry 

4. Emma Watson, Jennifer Lawrence, and Emma Stone

• EFF: Jennifer Lawrence because she's hot and goofy. Hello, even Jack Nicholson wants to date her. LOL
• CHUCK: Emma Stone, but this was a tough one because she's cute and seems sweet. 
• MARRY: Emma Watson because she's adorable and also grew hotter as she grew up. 

5. Idris Elba, Daniel Craig and Benedict Cumberbatch

• EFF: Idris Elba. No question. None. This is still the case. Hottie beyond belief. 
• CHUCK: Daniel Craig. But I'd feel bad doing so. 
• MARRY: Benedict Cumberbatch. So would. Drooling. When I read "50 Shades of Gray", he is who I pictured as the main character. Yeah, that definitely says a lot right there, although there better be a lot of sex with that marriage. 

6. Kardashians -- Ack! Kourtney, Kim and Khloe

• EFF: Khloe. 
• CHUCK: Kim -- mainly due to Kanye. 
• MARRY: Kourtney. 

7. Anderson Cooper, George Clooney and Jon Stewart

• EFF: Anderson Cooper. The whole silver fox thing works. 
• CHUCK: George Clooney, only because he seems like the usual choice for eff or marry and I'm being different. LOL 
• MARRY: Jon Stewart. He's funny and cute. Great combo. 

8. Kerry Washington, Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Lopez

• EFF: Penelope Cruz. Smokin' body. 
• CHUCK: J Lo - again, this one was difficult because they're all smoking hot. 
• MARRY: Kerry Washington. 

 9. Pharrell, Justin Timberlake and Usher

• EFF: Usher, because yeah, yeah, yeah... (Yup, still true. That song gets to me...) 
• CHUCK: Pharrell. It's okay. He'd still be happy. 
• MARRY: Justin Timberlake. Hmm, I guess this is still true. It's kind of a toss-up between him and Pharrell looking at this one. 

10. Ellen Degeneres, Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling

• EFF: Tina Fey, because humor is hilarious combined with a hot chick. 
• CHUCK: Ellen Degeneres. Cracks me up, but wouldn't. If I was ever with a woman (no plans -- sorry to kill your daydreams, lads!), she'd have longer hair than that. Now Portia, Ellen's wife? Would. 
• MARRY: Mindy Kaling, because she is freaking hysterical.

Imposter Syndrome is Real

Dayum. As I've mentioned, I'm job hunting. And what a process that is.

I had an interview last week where I hit it off with all of the people I met with and could absolutely see myself there. I left there firmly in the belief that I would get an offer -- if not that night, then the following business day. But then, I heard back from the hiring manager that they wanted me to put together 3 documents as part of a writing test.

Yes, yes. I know. Tests are understandable to make sure one actually can do what one proclaims they can do, and lord knows I've hired a few people who prompted me to think actually that I needed to implement a test as part of the hiring process. So I get it. But I do have to admit that it burst my bubble a bit. They LOVED me. I was dubbed "gregarious" by two of them and they actually considered that a good thing -- as opposed to one company that said my "big personality" might be a bit different than what they're used to. (They weren't wrong. When I walked into the office, I thought everyone had the day off because it was so very silent. Not my place to be at all.) Anyhoo, I seriously thought I had this job and it was a no-brainer. And then the request for the writing test came.

I'm not going to say what those documents were that I had to write but they were quite common and two of them were things I'd written before. One wasn't and would be something new I'd be writing, but I consider a job that challenges someone to be a good thing.

The problem is that I couldn't get out of my own way in writing it. Suddenly, "imposter syndrome" (that feeling where you think you're not good enough and everyone is going to find out about it) hit. If you know what I'm talking about, click on that link there -- You'll be glad to find out you're not alone. I sure was, because it's been something that's been in my head since this most recent layoff. Despite that my last two jobs ended due to corporate layoffs (budget-related and in one case 80 other people were let go and in the last one, 10 others were), I couldn't seem to shake the feeling that it WAS me and was personal and that I sucked. Fun headspace to be in, let me tell ya. And sure made starting on this writing test insanely easy.

Oddly, though, seeing that Imposter Syndrome helped me realize it's not just me, and then last night for my Goddess role, I was listening to a personal development webinar of sorts and one of the things that the hostess was saying was that people need to let go of limiting beliefs. Write them down and then burn them and that will help you in making them go away.

I didn't burn them (fire! fire!/ Beavis and Butthead) but instead I wrote them down and then erased them (thank you, makers of erasable pens for that ;) ) and that also helped. Hearing that this insanely successful woman has beliefs that make her think less of herself also helped tremendously. Of course, she also is dealing with her husband having terminal end-stage cancer. Good lord, I welled up when she revealed that. She is dealing with the soon-to-be-loss of her husband and still taking the time to help us succeed.

Yeah, that was the whack over the head I needed to get the fuck out of my own way. I told myself that today was the day I was finishing these come hell or high water. (They're due tomorrow, but I told myself TODAY was the day because I didn't want them hanging over me for another moment.) So, I grabbed my tea (already had coffee), put on the Soft Rock station (dumb move as "I Will Always Love You" came on from The Bodyguard and that also brought the tears flowing again -- apparently with Bowie, this woman's husband -- who hasn't yet died, and Rickman, my emotions are all in a mess. Yowza).

But, dear reader, I did it.

I finished those documents and they're done. I sent them off to the hiring manager and what happens from here is meant to be. I don't know if he'll think they're what he wants and if he doesn't, that's okay. Yes, I'll be bummed, but I'll be okay and I'll find the right job. If he does, and I get the job, that is what's meant to be.