Is Dating More of a Trick than a Treat?

In a conversation with friends the other day, I was reminded of a previous blog post of mine -- Do People Still Date?. The friends and I are all married and have been for a while. We were chatting about what we'd do if our marriages ended/our spouses died (not that we are planning on any of that -- no murders in the works :) ). In a unanimous decision, we all agreed that the last thing we'd ever want to do is date again.

Why, you might ask? Because we see all around us that people just don't date these days, and the thought of that is just horrifying -- and hell, far too much work. I've seen what the single life is like for my friends and it ain't pretty.

I still don't get it, though. What happened to dating? When the guy and girl met up for dinner at an actual restaurant or went bowling or went out to go see a movie? Now, it seems to be just a bunch of Tinder hook-ups; Plenty of Fish (or Plenty of Fucks, as friends call it as it seems that is all people on there are looking for) and dick pics.

Boys, I've got to tell you. Stop sending dick pics to women unless they specifically ask for them. By sending them just because you feel like it, you're cheapening the woman and her worth to you even without realizing it. And no woman wants to feel that way. Caveat: If you're involved in a long distance relationship, hey -- send as many pics as you want. That goes for both genders. But if you're not, keep some mystery.

Back to the original topic -- It seems like the dating scene is non-existent. Am I wrong? Tell me if I am. I'd love to be proven wrong. Heck, my friends and I have decided we are not dating when our spouses pass ( or god forbid, we get divorced), but that doesn't mean we are going to be looking for cabana boys nor sex buddies. No, no, no. As the meme says, ain't nobody got time for that.

Now, if actual dating did exist, we would probably change our minds. But dating in these times? Not a chance in hell. I'm so freaking glad my dating days were before right now because what I see out there is a mess.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Sex God

Holy shit.

I knew that there was a reason why I pictured Benedict Cumberbatch as Christian Grey when I read "Fifty Shades of Grey", besides that he is just freaking sex on a stick hot.

Just read this article, where he describes what Sherlock would be like if he ever had sex. And dayum. Just dayum,

I believe it was the part where he talked about how he'd know just exactly where to put his fingers and his tongue, and to think about what violinists could do with their fingers.

I reiterate -- holy shit. Way to be even hotter, Mister Cumberbatch.

Old Time Sex Toys are Scary

Caught this article on 19 terrifying vintage sex toys on Buzzfeed, and holy hell, is that title ever accurate!!

#7 looks like an old-school pencil sharpener!

And #17 looks like a hair dryer diffuser.

Not okay. Not at all. Pardon me while I'm over here thanking the creators of sex toys for updating their products over the years. Because all of these are so, so wrong.

Also, there is a vintage vibrator museum. That is all.

Fruit-Scented Jeans?

So, this is seriously a thing. A company has created a line of jeans that are fruit-scented. The color of the jeans highlights the scent:

• Pink -- strawberry
• Orange -- orange (yes, shocking. I know)
• Yellow -- lemon
• Green -- apple (I would have thought lime)
• Blue -- blueberries 

Perfumed micro capsules embedded in the fabric cause the scent to stay strong for 20 washes. Wow.

I can see a few upsides -- You wouldn't have to wear perfume; you could change into these jeans after a workout without showering. 

However, I also see one big downside. A friend who is an adult toy party rep mentioned that she would pass on these because the chemicals (the microcapsules) could lead to irritation, especially if one is going commando.

<insert look of horror here>

No, no, no, nooooo to vaginal or labial irritation. Yeah, anything that could cause that gets one hell of a pass from me. No thanks, scented pants.

Men Only Need Grilled Cheese and Sex?

The latest issue of "Cosmopolitan" magazine arrived today and it features a quote from Emmy Rossum on the cover, which says, "Men only need two things -- grilled cheese and sex".

Now, I don't know about you, but I laughed my ass off when I saw that. Why??

Back in 2009, a relationship advice columnist for Boston.com was answering a reader's letter, in which the guy complained that his partner refuses to give blow jobs. But, since the advice columnist wanted to keep things semi-PG, she changed any references to blow jobs in the letter and response to "grilled cheese". And thus, the grilled cheese as a euphemism for sex was created and became widely known.

However, I guess it didn't get to Emmy Rossum. Unless she's saying that guys only need blow jobs and sex, with the two differentiated famously by President Clinton, who seems to think that blow jobs aren't sex.

Anyhow, male readers -- tell me, could you live with just grilled cheese (either the sandwich or a blow job) and sex?

I Popped My Rocky Horror Picture Show Cherry... Again

If anyone had asked me before last night if I've seen "Rocky Horror Picture Show", I would have said yes. And I would have thought I was telling the truth. Turns out I wasn't.

I have distinct memories of being home on a break from my Freshman year of college. Some friends had gone to a Rocky Horror Picture Show viewing and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I rented it from Blockbuster. (RIP) I came back to my parents' house, settled down in a recliner in the living room and turned on the movie. And I thought I watched the whole thing. I can do the Time Warp with the best of them, and just assumed I had.

Reader, I did not.

But I didn't realize that until I watched (thinking I was re-watching) it last night, after buying the DVD a few years back. I had seen the Brad and Janet part; the light over at the Frankenstein place; the Time Warp; and the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. But that was it. All of the rest of the movie was new to me. What the heck?

I thought I'd seen "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me". Well, I had. When it was covered on the RHPS episode of "Glee". Oy.

Let me take you back to freshman year of college me. Oh, that me. She was soo naive and so innocent. And would have been horrified at watching a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania cavorting about the TV screen in her parents' living room, which they could walk on in. The horror. All I can guess is that I turned it off after that screen and somehow made myself think in the mumble mumble number of years that followed til now that I'd watched the whole thing.

I had not. Until last night. Thankfully, the now me loooooved the movie. I have a mad crush on Tim Curry as Frank n Furter (that man rocks a bodice and garter belt. Dayum) and love how just fierce he seemed in that role. He was rocking it and he knew it and I adore that.

Did I know til last night that Brad and Frank n Furter had sex? (Decades old spoiler alert). I did not. I also thought Janet had sex just with Rocky. Had no idea she also had sex with Frank n Furter (lucky girl, that Janet).

In a sense, I'm glad I didn't actually see the whole movie til last night as that me back then would not have appreciated it. Okay, she might have learned a few things earlier, but this me was the right version of me to see the movie in it's entirety.

The Latest Eff, Marry, Kill Game

So, I was browsing Buzzfeed today and stumbled across their latest Eff, Marry, Kill Game. Never one to pass those up, I jotted down the names to give my answers here.

If you've somehow never played before, I list 3 names and then have to decide who I would eff (aka fuck); who I would marry; and who I would kill out of the three. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hella-hard. And in the case of one of these (the ideas were submitted by people on the site), it's just ridiculous.

Let's play! Play along at home and let me know your answers below.

Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig

Eff: Amy Poehler --  she looks like she's up for anything
Marry: Tina Fey -- girlfriend coined "bitch is the new black"
Kill: Kristen Wiig -- for her "Penelope" character on Saturday Night Live

Harry Potter, Edward Cullen, Christian Grey

Eff: Christian Grey --  hellooo, it's Christian Grey of "Fifty Shades of Grey" and you know that he knows what he is doing
Marry: Harry Potter -- he does spells and that seems lucrative
Kill: Edward Cullen -- doesn't do a thing for me. Vampires should not be sparkly

Monica, Rachel and Phoebe (from "Friends")

Eff: Rachel -- she is the hottest
Marry: Monica --girl can cook
Kill: Phoebe -- sorry, hon. One of you had to go

Chris Pratt, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth

Eff: Chris Hemsworth -- Abs for days
Marry: Chris Evans -- So the guy you bring home to Mom
Kill: Chris Pratt because he was horrid when he hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live this year

Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, Sarah Paulson

Eff: Angela Bassett -- She had moves in "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
Marry: Sarah Paulson -- I've always thought she was hot
Kill: Jessica Lange -- Mainly because she's the oldest

Jesse Pinkman, Walter White, Saul Goodman ("Breaking Bad")

Eff: Jesse Pinkman -- So would. So much so. Would.
Marry: Saul Goodman -- basically because he's not an old meth dealer
Kill: Walter White -- Your time is up

Emma Watson, Jennifer Lawrence, Anna Kendrick

Eff: Jennifer Lawrence -- even Jack Nicholson wants her
Marry: Emma Watson -- super smart and looks wholesome
Kill: Anna Kendrick -- that "Cups" song was overplayed

Idris Elba, Nicole Beharie, Godfrey Gao

Eff: Godfrey Gao -- Know nothing about him, but he's hot and I'm shallow
Marry: Idris Elba -- Because he is also hot
Kill: Nicole Beharie -- Sorry, the other two have the equipment that wins

Alcohol, Pizza, Netflix (and this is the ridiculous one)

Eff: Alcohol -- The two usually wind up intertwined
Marry: Pizza -- Nom nom nom
Kill: Netflix -- I have no time for it

Test Out a Vibrator On Your Nose

That is just one piece of wisdom I learned this weekend. It's been a busy one -- had a college friend's Athena's (yes, a sex toy biz -- and also spa products) party to attend one night and then a get-together with other college buds the next day.

So, regarding vibrators -- Yes, one should test it out on one's nose for the best way to test how it will feel ahem down below. ;) That was a pretty interesting factoid and we all of course then proceeded to test out the vibrators by holding them against our noses. Pretty hilarious. Also funny when we tested out the oral-sex simulators the same way.

Another tidbit picked up that night -- Adult toys can't be manufactured in the US due to some law. So they're typically made in China and is why most have little kitty faces or dog faces on them or are made to resemble butterflies or whales. Brand new info to me and it was a bit disconcerting to see a large dildo that had a little face on top of it, especially when it was revealed that this dildo/vibrator swivels back and forth. Not sure I'd find that so much arousing as freaking hilarious.

One of the products was a cock ring called a "boogie board". However, one of my friends proceeded to place it inside the top of her corset's bodice and promptly called it a "boobie buddy", because when it was on --it vibrates -- it sent a wave of pleasure down the front of her body from her chest down. That'll be a new hit at Renaissance Faires. :)