Imposter Syndrome is Real

Dayum. As I've mentioned, I'm job hunting. And what a process that is.

I had an interview last week where I hit it off with all of the people I met with and could absolutely see myself there. I left there firmly in the belief that I would get an offer -- if not that night, then the following business day. But then, I heard back from the hiring manager that they wanted me to put together 3 documents as part of a writing test.

Yes, yes. I know. Tests are understandable to make sure one actually can do what one proclaims they can do, and lord knows I've hired a few people who prompted me to think actually that I needed to implement a test as part of the hiring process. So I get it. But I do have to admit that it burst my bubble a bit. They LOVED me. I was dubbed "gregarious" by two of them and they actually considered that a good thing -- as opposed to one company that said my "big personality" might be a bit different than what they're used to. (They weren't wrong. When I walked into the office, I thought everyone had the day off because it was so very silent. Not my place to be at all.) Anyhoo, I seriously thought I had this job and it was a no-brainer. And then the request for the writing test came.

I'm not going to say what those documents were that I had to write but they were quite common and two of them were things I'd written before. One wasn't and would be something new I'd be writing, but I consider a job that challenges someone to be a good thing.

The problem is that I couldn't get out of my own way in writing it. Suddenly, "imposter syndrome" (that feeling where you think you're not good enough and everyone is going to find out about it) hit. If you know what I'm talking about, click on that link there -- You'll be glad to find out you're not alone. I sure was, because it's been something that's been in my head since this most recent layoff. Despite that my last two jobs ended due to corporate layoffs (budget-related and in one case 80 other people were let go and in the last one, 10 others were), I couldn't seem to shake the feeling that it WAS me and was personal and that I sucked. Fun headspace to be in, let me tell ya. And sure made starting on this writing test insanely easy.

Oddly, though, seeing that Imposter Syndrome helped me realize it's not just me, and then last night for my Goddess role, I was listening to a personal development webinar of sorts and one of the things that the hostess was saying was that people need to let go of limiting beliefs. Write them down and then burn them and that will help you in making them go away.

I didn't burn them (fire! fire!/ Beavis and Butthead) but instead I wrote them down and then erased them (thank you, makers of erasable pens for that ;) ) and that also helped. Hearing that this insanely successful woman has beliefs that make her think less of herself also helped tremendously. Of course, she also is dealing with her husband having terminal end-stage cancer. Good lord, I welled up when she revealed that. She is dealing with the soon-to-be-loss of her husband and still taking the time to help us succeed.

Yeah, that was the whack over the head I needed to get the fuck out of my own way. I told myself that today was the day I was finishing these come hell or high water. (They're due tomorrow, but I told myself TODAY was the day because I didn't want them hanging over me for another moment.) So, I grabbed my tea (already had coffee), put on the Soft Rock station (dumb move as "I Will Always Love You" came on from The Bodyguard and that also brought the tears flowing again -- apparently with Bowie, this woman's husband -- who hasn't yet died, and Rickman, my emotions are all in a mess. Yowza).

But, dear reader, I did it.

I finished those documents and they're done. I sent them off to the hiring manager and what happens from here is meant to be. I don't know if he'll think they're what he wants and if he doesn't, that's okay. Yes, I'll be bummed, but I'll be okay and I'll find the right job. If he does, and I get the job, that is what's meant to be.