The Dating Site Erases 10 Pounds... And Years

Okay, time to be serious here (well, as serious as I can be). What is with this trend of posting profile pics on dating sites that are clearly 10 years and/or 50 pounds ago??

I feel the need to add here that no, I'm not on any dating sites (down, boys!), but what I've been hearing from friends for years and again just this week is appalling to me.

Isn't the point of a dating site to actually meet the other person in person? Whatever the intent is from there -- be it a random one-night hookup or a relationship -- doesn't change anything. The idea is still to meet at some point face to face, yes?

Presuming that is indeed the case, why in bloody hell would you choose to use a picture(s) that doesn't even remotely reflect how you look today? I just don't get it. And this is from someone who used to avoid cameras like the plague because I had an extreme lack of any self-confidence and thought I was hideous. So hell, ANY pic I would consider a bad one (and now looking back at those pics, I want to get in a time machine and knock some sense into myself -- but that's a whole other blog post that I think I've written already). But even with that, if I was on a dating site then (internet didn't exist - I'm ancient 😂 ), even I would have put a current pic up. I wouldn't have even considered otherwise.

Seriously, twice now a friend has met someone online and then either met them in person or saw another pic of them elsewhere and discovered the profile and other pics were from many years and pounds ago. Why?? I just don't get it.

It's like if I rented a movie that I thought was a comedy and turned out to be a drama/sad movie -- yes, I'm looking at you "The Family Stone". Lighthearted feel-good movie, my ass. Spoiler alert: The mom dies. It's tragic! You are why I have movie trust issues. And pics that are from years/many pounds ago are why people have dating site trust issues.

If you are really on a site to really meet someone, come on... Start from a sense of reality and post a pic of who you REALLY are. Yes, it might not be a model-like picture, but you never know who might be out there who would like you FOR you and you're not giving them a chance at all by posting a pic that isn't you. Just don't do it.

There is a quote that was in Doctor Who that sums this up for me perfectly. It goes along that you could be talking to the most beautiful person in the world, but after five minutes you realize that person is as dull as bricks and there is no spark, so they become less beautiful in your eyes. And then there is the opposite -- oh, that opposite. Where you see a person and you think they're okay looking and then you talk to them and you get to know who they are and to you they become the most beautiful person in the world.

That last part there. That is what you want. Take that chance and and put yourself -- the real yourself -- out there. The person you meet who matches with you and then starts talking to you from that pic is the one you want.

Blondes Have More Fun? In My Dreams!

Okay, let's get this out of the way... When I was growing up, I always pictured the guy I'd wind up with as being tall, dark (haired) and handsome -- and that's who I married. C'mon, we've all heard that idiom a gazillion times, right.

But, that leaves out anyone without dark hair, doesn't it, and specifically poor blonde haired guys. They were just never my type at all. Nothing against blondes (hell, I've been blonde off and on myself over the years), but they did nada for me.

Well, that's changed.

Longtime readers of this blog know my liking for Alexander Skaragard, who played Eric in "True Blood". That man. Yowza. The height (I'm a heightest -- it's a thing), the abs, the ability to rock the hell out of a well-made suit, the butt, the ability to be full-frontal on screen without any hesitation. Yeah, total package. But he's blonde. Ack. What the hell, self?

Monsieur Skarsgard made me reconsider the light (haired) side, and the pictures on this article about "Legends of Tarzan" haven't changed that thinking at all. It even appears that the man even developed more ab muscles since True Blood. Holy shit was just the least of my thoughts over those pics.

Another blonde who has been haunting my dreams recently is Chris Hemsworth -- and notably Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Yowza. Let's just say there was a dream including that man, a deserted except for the two of us bowling alley/bar, and soap suds (although now I'm wondering how there was a showed in a bowling area/bar, but that's what dreams are for). And yeah, Dayum. Thor has never been on my radar at all. Don't think I've even seen the movie, but I will need to rectify that.

So here's where I'm going with this. If you think you have a set "type", branch out -- at least in your dreams. ;)

It's a Fine Line...

No, not between love and hate, although that's typically how that phrase ends.

In this case, it's a fine line between writing erotica and writing a steamy scene. Yes, I'm writing a book. Yes, there's a steamy scene or two in it. And dammit, I feel like I'm being stifled (by myself) because I keep writing what I want to write and then erasing, erasing, erasing.

Why? Because my son knows I'm writing a book and will want to read it eventually, and gaaaah at the thought of him reading that even when he's older. Not enough brain bleach in the world. And then there's my parents who are both avid readers and will read the book, and again, brain bleach. Gallons. Just no.

So, I will keep stifling myself in the novel to a certain extent and be very glad I have this blog so I can write whatever I feel like it as it ain't going in the book. :D

Eff, Marry, Kill: The Latest Version

If you've frequently read this blog, you know how much I enjoy "Fuck, Marry, Kill" quizzes and this one from Buzzfeed is just as good as the rest:

1) Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Kwanten

EFF (Because apparently Blogger doesn't like me writing "Fuck" all the time and keeps crashing): Ryan Kwanten, because I've watched that boy on "True Blood" far too many times to not want to
MARRY: Ryan Gosling, because please. His character in The Notebook. Done. Dusted.
KILL: Ryan Reynolds. I'm sorry, baby, but one of you had to go.

2) Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Chastain

EFF: Jessica Alba, because the girl is smoking. Have you seen "Sin City"? If not, go now. You'll thank me.
MARRY: Jessica Biel, because she's also hot.
KILL: Jessica Chastain, because she seems a bit too nice.

3) John Hamm, John Krasinski, John Stamos

EFF John Hamm. I mean helllloooo. That bulge is well-known. What girl in her right mind would pass up giving that a try?
MARRY: John Krasinski. He seems like a total sweetheart.
KILL: John Stamos. Sorry, Uncle Jesse.

4) Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lopez

EFF: Jennifer Lopez, because she has killer dance moves.
MARRY: Jennifer Lawrence, because she seems hysterical and would be fun.
KILL: Jennifer Hudson. Props to her for the weight loss, but JLo and JLaw win.

5) Michael B. Jordan, Michael Fassbender, Michael Cera

EFF: Michael Fassbender. Again, it's all about the rumors about the bulge.
MARRY: Michael B. Jordan. Don't know much about him, but hey.
KILL: Michael Cera. No question. None. Does nothing for me.

6) Rachel McAdams, Rachel Bilson, Rachel Weisz

EFF: Rachel Weisz, because she just seems the hottest.
MARRY: Rachel McAdams -- again because of "The Notebook"
KILL: Rachel Bilson. Nothing against her, but she just doesn't seem effable.

7) Adam Levine, Adam Scott, Adam Brody

EFF: Adam Levine. Mainly due to that Rolling Stone cover, or whichever one it was with the hand over his crotch.
MARRY: Adam Scott, because he's just adorable!
KILL: Adam Brody by default.

8) Kate Hudson, Kate Winslet, Katy Perry

EFF: Katy Perry, because then I'll be connected in a way to her ex Russell Brand.
MARRY: Kate Winslet because I've always loved her.
KILL: Kate Hudson for no real reason.

9) Hugh Dancy, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman

EFF: Hugh Grant -- mainly for his dance in "Love, Actually" and an accent will always get me.
MARRY: Hugh Dancy because despite his role in that Silence of the Lambs tv series, he's really cute.
KILL: Hugh Jackman. Sorry, dude.

10) Destiny's Child: Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce

EFF: Beyonce. Come on. It's Queen Bee.
MARRY: Kelly for no real reason.
KILL: Michelle for no real reason. It's really all about Queen Bee.

With Apologies to the Muppets

Learned about two new-to-me terms this past week.

First, the reason for the title of this blog post -- "Gonzo". Now, when I thought of Gonzo before this week, I thought of the long-nosed Muppet. Not anymore. LOL

Instead, now I know that "Gonzo" means a type of porn started in the 90s where there isn't a storyline and instead one gets straight to the sex. Huh. Had no idea that existed. I completely understand the use for it -- especially since in so many porn movies, the dialogue is just awful and takes you far, far away from any resemblance of being turned on. Although you could always watch with the sound off... But still. You're then watching two clothed people talking. Boooorrrrring.

Plus, come on, if you're watching a porn, do you really want to have to sit through the part about a job interview, or the non-sexual part of a massage, or the pizza boy arriving at the door -- or do you just want to get straight to it? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Sorry, Gonzo. As much as I am enjoying watching the new Muppets tv series, I'm going to chuckle every time you're on the screen. And I'm very glad I haven't stumbled across any porn starring Gonzo himself. :-O

The second term: "Netflix and Chill". Okay, I've heard this and seriously thought it just meant chilling out (aka relaxing) while watching Netflix. Seems legit, right?

<insert Price of Right loser music here> Yeah, no. It means coming over to someone's house just for sex. Alright, kids, really? Nowhere from "Netflix and Chill" do I get the idea of sex. If I'm watching Netflix, I want to watch Netflix. Now, call it Redtube and Chill or YouPorn and Chill and it makes sense. But Netflix and Chill? Nope. I don't get it.

However, should someone invite you over to "Netflix and Chill", now you'll know what they really mean. It's the new "Come on up for some coffee", I guess.

Dude Looks Like a Lady: The Opposite

So, Halloween is on the way again. I'm thrilled because I love costumes -- which has previously been slightly discussed in this blog post. Dressing up is fun at Halloween and otherwise.

For this year's Halloween party, I decided on Snow White. And of course every good Snow White costume needs a black wig, right? Well, my version of Snow White has let her hair grow into long black curls with bangs. Works for me.

However, I was just thinking about that wig earlier today and remembered that I wore a wig just like it back in college Sophomore year for a Halloween party/mixer. I was a gypsy and wore a long black curly wig, a tie-dyed long skirt and this satin black top with long sheer sleeves (that I then used later as part of a witch costume and a hooker witch costume -- difference: Hooker witch had handcuffs on her belt).

When I was all dressed up and walking around campus with some friends, we ran into a guy I had a crush on at the time. As we were all talking, a very drunk senior girl came by. She stopped, and looked at me and said "Are you a guy?"

OUCH. Just ouch. Yeah, I was crushed. Yes, I'm tall and have had broad shoulders forever, and yes, she was very very drunk, but dayum. That one stung -- and apparently still does since it's still stuck with me.

Okay, so it didn't help that my self-confidence about my looks was basically non-existent, but duuuude, yikes. Way to have one throwaway comment last like that and carry itself with me to feed into that "ugly duckling" mentality,

Since then, yes, my makeup game is much better and I've found MUCH better bras -- and don't make it a habit to hang around drunk college girls. ;) I've also found quite a bit of self-confidence since then -- some would say too much considering the amount of selfies I take (which actually oddly enough I read recently can help to serve as increasing self confidence and body image. I'll take it), but considering how little self-confidence I used to have, it's a nice change.

All of this just from one little wig. Guess it shows how much comments can stay with a person. I will still wear the wig and love it, but I may go with another for passing out Halloween candy (aww, what a shame. I'll need to buy another wig. Lol) just to avoid any questions from teenage trick-or-treaters. Once burned, twice shy and all that...

My Latest & Greatest Freebie List

As it should, the celebrity "freebie" list changes over time. And mine definitely has -- even from the last one a few months back. Here's the latest one:

1. Alexander Skaarsgard -- He remains number one. The height. Those arms. That ass. The ability to look like a Norse god while sitting out in the snow buck naked, and the confidence to know he's damn fine and to go full-frontal (I was sweet enough to check that link to make sure it works) on screen while doing so. Oh, yes, he gets the first spot.
2 David Bowie as the Goblin King in "Labyrinth". Yeah, that probably shows a whole slew of S&M interests there, but he was hooooot. And hell, I wrote a whole blog post previously about that bulge.
3. Harrison Ford as Han Solo. Come on. Just come on. So. Freaking. Hot. The cocky (yes, pun intended) attitude; those eyes. The hair needs some work but who cares when you've got the rest of it.
4. Bruce Willis -- Specifically in "Die Hard". Hot and lean and powerful. Yippee-ki-yay mother fucker, indeed.

And I'm realizing here that the last 3 are all from years (cough cough decades cough cough) past. Shouldn't continue with that, so that rules out John Crichton from "Farscape" (who is totally hot -- those arms. Yes, I have a thing for strong arms); Philip Glennister who was on Life on Mars (it's a power thing. His character just looks and acts like he could take anyone down who needed to be taken down...) and others. At least Alexander Skaarsgard is recent, but I need a new addition here. Drum roll, please...

5. Peter Capaldi as the Doctor on "Doctor Who". I was thrilled when they re-aged the Doctor, because Matt Smith (although just adorable!) did nothing for me. Far too young. Now there's Capaldi's Doctor, who has a glint in his eye of just a bit of madness and wit galore and he's long, lean and just yeah, hot.

Okay, who's on your list?

Are Open Relationships More Normal than I Think?

First, let me say right off the bat -- sorry, kids -- this is not me announcing I'm embarking on an open relationship. LOL Not happening. This girl likes being monogamous. Okay, now that I've cleared that up...

I was talking to a  guy friend the other day who's on Tindr (and yes, I've mentioned Tindr before in the post about how I think dating is pretty much dead these days -- although I keep hoping I'm wrong about that), and he mentioned that his latest potential match stated right in her profile that she was involved in an open relationship with a guy from New York, but was looking for others as well. He wondered if open relationships were more normal than he thought these days because that was a new one to him.

Now I know I have some friends who are in open relationships, so I'm certainly not putting down the concept. I'm of the whatever floats your boat mentality -- an open relationship just isn't for me.

To me, it seems like it would get too confusing and like there's far too much potential for people to get hurt. Although, as I'm thinking about it -- there's the potential for people to get hurt in any relationship, isn't there? My main concern is what happens if two of the three or more people in a poly-amorous relationship develop stronger feelings for each other and leave the other in the dust. But as I'm writing that, I'm realizing that heck, that could happen in any relationship, couldn't it? Someone develops feelings for someone else and someone gets hurt.

So, maybe an open relationship isn't really all that different from a regular relationship. It's just a matter of the number of people involved. Like I said, do what works for you as long as you don't hurt people.

But I'm still curious -- Are you in (no judgment here, folks) or do you know people who are in an open relationship? Is this more normal than we think?

Forget Butthole Surfers -- Now There's Butthole Steaming

Well, we know that Gwynnie promoted steaming one's vagina.

But did you know that the same place -- the Tikkun Spa in Santa Monica -- also does butthole steaming for men?? Seriously, this is a thing that people do willingly, and not as part of torture. Two guys tried out anal steaming and posted the results recently on Buzzfeed, which is how I heard about it. Why does this exist? Why? Why??  (/Nancy Kerrigan)

Although, they did have a good rule -- Don't start out setting it to the highest steam level of 10, because that hurts. Umm, yeah, I would think that sending blazing hot steam at your ass would hurt. They also advised to keep one's penis and balls tucked up and out of the steam. Again, also good advice.

Here's more good advice. Don't go to a spa to get your butt or vagina steamed! Seriously, none of this sounds like a good idea. Instead, it sounds like the new worse version of waterboarding. Are you kidding me? People pay good money ($50 for a half hour) to have the steam of very, very hot water "open them up". Nope, nope, nope. I'm all set, thanks.

And looking down the list of their treatments, I see Tikkun Couple's Purity Steam. Sadly there is no description because that sounds like it requires one. Does it bring someone's virginity back? Is this really something couples do? "Hey, honey, I have an idea for a great romantic date! Let's go get your vagina and my anus steamed!!" Yeaah, there would be a Nefarious Vixen-sized hole in the wall as I would be getting out of there and away from that freak on the immediate.

Steak & BJ Day

In case you didn't know, Steak and Blowjob Day is a thing. Apparently, it happens on March 14th every year and is dubbed as being the "holiday for men" as Valentine's Day is the "holiday for women".

Oh, boys, boys, boys... If you only get a BJ once a year on a designated day, well, I've gotta say I feel sorry for ya. And I also need to have a come to Jesus talk with your wives/girlfriends so they'll see the error of their ways.

BJs are fun for both the giver and the givee, if you're doing it right. Throw in some frosting, whipped cream or some Tasty Twist (had to get that sex toy product listing in there somewhere ;) ) and they're even more fun for the person giving the BJ.

I've gotta say that I really don't understand people (was going to say women, but then remembered I have gay readers. Hi, there!) who don't like giving BJs. I just don't. Hell, I'm the one who told a girlfriend who didn't want to get pregnant, but wanted to have sex (and apparently didn't want to deal with birth control at all, I guess) that the easiest thing she could do was say "Here, have a BJ" and that became the phrase affiliated with me by some of my girlfriends for quite a while after.

But, wait a minute -- so this is Steak and Blowjob Day for the boys. When the heck is Ice Cream and Cunnilingus Day for the women?

No, I Don't Want to Steam My Uterus

Oh, Gwynnie, Gwynnie, Gwynnie. You were so good in Shakespeare in Love and incredibly awesome in Glee, but oh, honey...  Telling people they should steam their uterus (and yes, going with the singular "uterus" there as I have not a clue what the plural would be. Uterii?!

Anyhoo, no, no, no. Excuse me while I clench my legs shut in pain at the thought of that. I've felt a waft of steam when I've opened dishwashers in the past and that just momentarily hits my face, which is more than enough. And you want us to voluntarily and happily steam our vaginas? That is just crazy talk.

This is going to go hella-bad hella-fast. People will jump on this bandwagon because it's Gwynnie and start offering this or even worse doing so to oneself at home. I predict an influx in ER and GYN visits after women have accidentally burnt their vaginas. Gaaah.

And she suggests making it a mugwort steam. Yeaaah, mugwort is a form of ragweed. Hellooo, allergic reaction for pollen sufferers.

Gwynnie, I love ya, gal. You were fantastic in your Howard Stern interview but I'm surely not jumping on board this steam engine.

Do You Measure Up?

This one's for the guys -- Have you measured your penis? I'm not asking for the measurements (keep that to yourself, boys, because we will only just delete an inch or five off the number you give anyway...), but just wondering if you have or not.

Heck, if I was a guy, I probably would because I'd be curious.

As women, we do have to measure our boobs so we know what size bra to wear. Should be the same for guys. Underwear by waist, hip and penis size. ;)

The Problem with Perfect

I was scrolling down my FB newsfeed this morning and a post from "Single Dad Laughing" titled My Old Friend, the Disease Called "Perfection" caught my eye. I stopped to read it as his posts always move me and found myself tearing up whilst reading about how everyone pretends everything is perfect when what we really need is "real".

Wow, did that ever strike a chord with me because hell, I know quite a few people think my life is perfect -- and that is all because that's what I show. I'm one for keeping the bad off of FB and usually keeping it from pretty much everyone because I'm known as "Little Miss Sunshine"... The woman who always has a smile on her face and happy things to share.

For anyone who knows me and reads this, you get that's not always the case, right? I don't walk around surrounded by sunshine and rainbows and puppies. My life has just as many low points as anyone else's. I just choose not to show them.

But -- in the interest of sharing the "real" in case this helps anyone out there who may be comparing themselves to my sunshiny posts...

- I was on anti-anxiety meds for close to 4 years after a job that put me into one of hell of a depression and massive lack of sleep, and WebMDing, which convinced me I had something really wrong with me. Nope, just anxiety and anxiety brought on about the anxiety by good ol WebMD. (And yes, I no longer visit the site. Just don't...) I was still on those meds for a few years after I got out of that job, but haven't taken them in a few weeks and have even gotten through being impacted by a recent layoff without them. (Oops, it's tough to shake the Little Miss Sunshine bit...)

- Speaking of that layoff, I know I've been puppies and rainbows about it. It IS giving me the chance to move on and start something new, but the thought of something new and not succeeding or not being able to pay the bills if I don't find something long-term does indeed worry me. It's not giving me near the anxiety I had before, but heck, I'm human. If I wasn't worried at all, I'd think I was a cyborg.

- Was talking about this one with some excellent friends just the other day. In high school, I felt like a ghost -- basically non-existent. I was so, so shy and kept to myself to the point that I spent lunches in the library so I wouldn't have to sit at a table by myself. All these years later, those high school years still haunt me. I've found self confidence in spades since then, along with freaking amazing friends and lots of love. But, that ghost and those feelings of not existing nor being noticed is still there -- which also makes me wonder if things like hell even starting this blog are really just a means of attention-getting. Will be pondering that one a bit more.

So, yes, there you have it. Some realness for the day, kids. Share your real below. It's anonymous. 

Masks

I'm waiting for a lacy eye mask to arrive in the mail today (part of my adult toy company offerings, of course), so of course I'm thinking of masks.

My first introduction to masks was the masquerade ball in "Labyrinth" and ooof, that was a hot, hot ball watching it now that I'm not a pre-teen. C'mon, Jareth in those tight leggings (I still refuse to believe the bulge was fake -- no. Just no) dancing around and watching Sarah try to figure out who was who with everyone wearing a mask and knowing he could have been behind any of the masks? Yup, smoking hot.

And then there's the masked scene from "Eyes Wide Shut". I'm going to admit that I don't actually think I've ever watched that full movie -- mainly because at the time, I was still pretty close-minded and almost puritanical. Y'all can stop laughing now knowing that that girl became the writer of this blog and sells sex toys. ;) Hmm, thinking I should watch that movie and see what I think of it now.

This blog itself is in a way a mask that I wear every so often to hide behind in a sense, since I don't have it affiliated with my name at all. Although, so many of my readers know who I am, and I also know for a fact that it has changed some perceptions of me -- for the better from what I understand. I definitely like it. But I also like that when I'm looking for a job or meeting someone for the first time, this part of me isn't known and out there attached to my name. So it's a mask I will happily keep as a mask.

Hmm, this post got away from me a bit. I started out writing it thinking I was going to chat about the masks that people wear in every day life, but it went elsewhere. Works for me -- that's kind of how my mind works.