Eff, Marry, Kill -- Looking Back

Waiting to hear about a job, and I'm pretty much Veruca Salt when it comes to patience about such things, so that's going well. ;)

So, besides applying to other jobs (also doing that as well), I figured I'd revisit an old Eff, Marry Kill blog post from June of 2014 to see how my thoughts have changed since then if at all. Hilariously enough, it was called "Eff, Chuck, Marry" at the time. Not sure why "Kill" was so bad, but alrighty...

1. Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, and Zac Efron

• EFF: Ryan Gosling -- He's hot. The abs in "Crazy Stupid Love". Dayum!! Yeah, in a heartbeat. 
• CHUCK: Zac Efron -- Rocking body, but too young. Next. (Still the same.) 
• MARRY: Channing Tatum -- He had the "eff" spot last time, but after seeing him dress up as Elsa and Beyonce in "Lip Sync Battle", he looks like he's hot AND hilarious. So that's a winning combo there. 

Here's where things got difficult and are still difficult.

2. Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyonce

• EFF: Katy Perry because she's a total girl crush of mine. 
• CHUCK: Do I have to? :( Okay, fine. Rihanna, but for no real reason. Can I eff her and Katy Perry?
• MARRY: Beyonce, because she is the one, the only, the Queen B. 

3. Guys from One Direction -- Zayn, Niall and Harry
CHUCK: All three of them. Far too young. Not interested. Still true...

Okay, fine. If I have to make a choice -- which kind of defeats the purpose of this game if I didn't.

• EFF: Zayn, because he looks the oldest of them all. 
• CHUCK: Niall 
• MARRY: Harry 

4. Emma Watson, Jennifer Lawrence, and Emma Stone

• EFF: Jennifer Lawrence because she's hot and goofy. Hello, even Jack Nicholson wants to date her. LOL
• CHUCK: Emma Stone, but this was a tough one because she's cute and seems sweet. 
• MARRY: Emma Watson because she's adorable and also grew hotter as she grew up. 

5. Idris Elba, Daniel Craig and Benedict Cumberbatch

• EFF: Idris Elba. No question. None. This is still the case. Hottie beyond belief. 
• CHUCK: Daniel Craig. But I'd feel bad doing so. 
• MARRY: Benedict Cumberbatch. So would. Drooling. When I read "50 Shades of Gray", he is who I pictured as the main character. Yeah, that definitely says a lot right there, although there better be a lot of sex with that marriage. 

6. Kardashians -- Ack! Kourtney, Kim and Khloe

• EFF: Khloe. 
• CHUCK: Kim -- mainly due to Kanye. 
• MARRY: Kourtney. 

7. Anderson Cooper, George Clooney and Jon Stewart

• EFF: Anderson Cooper. The whole silver fox thing works. 
• CHUCK: George Clooney, only because he seems like the usual choice for eff or marry and I'm being different. LOL 
• MARRY: Jon Stewart. He's funny and cute. Great combo. 

8. Kerry Washington, Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Lopez

• EFF: Penelope Cruz. Smokin' body. 
• CHUCK: J Lo - again, this one was difficult because they're all smoking hot. 
• MARRY: Kerry Washington. 

 9. Pharrell, Justin Timberlake and Usher

• EFF: Usher, because yeah, yeah, yeah... (Yup, still true. That song gets to me...) 
• CHUCK: Pharrell. It's okay. He'd still be happy. 
• MARRY: Justin Timberlake. Hmm, I guess this is still true. It's kind of a toss-up between him and Pharrell looking at this one. 

10. Ellen Degeneres, Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling

• EFF: Tina Fey, because humor is hilarious combined with a hot chick. 
• CHUCK: Ellen Degeneres. Cracks me up, but wouldn't. If I was ever with a woman (no plans -- sorry to kill your daydreams, lads!), she'd have longer hair than that. Now Portia, Ellen's wife? Would. 
• MARRY: Mindy Kaling, because she is freaking hysterical.

Imposter Syndrome is Real

Dayum. As I've mentioned, I'm job hunting. And what a process that is.

I had an interview last week where I hit it off with all of the people I met with and could absolutely see myself there. I left there firmly in the belief that I would get an offer -- if not that night, then the following business day. But then, I heard back from the hiring manager that they wanted me to put together 3 documents as part of a writing test.

Yes, yes. I know. Tests are understandable to make sure one actually can do what one proclaims they can do, and lord knows I've hired a few people who prompted me to think actually that I needed to implement a test as part of the hiring process. So I get it. But I do have to admit that it burst my bubble a bit. They LOVED me. I was dubbed "gregarious" by two of them and they actually considered that a good thing -- as opposed to one company that said my "big personality" might be a bit different than what they're used to. (They weren't wrong. When I walked into the office, I thought everyone had the day off because it was so very silent. Not my place to be at all.) Anyhoo, I seriously thought I had this job and it was a no-brainer. And then the request for the writing test came.

I'm not going to say what those documents were that I had to write but they were quite common and two of them were things I'd written before. One wasn't and would be something new I'd be writing, but I consider a job that challenges someone to be a good thing.

The problem is that I couldn't get out of my own way in writing it. Suddenly, "imposter syndrome" (that feeling where you think you're not good enough and everyone is going to find out about it) hit. If you know what I'm talking about, click on that link there -- You'll be glad to find out you're not alone. I sure was, because it's been something that's been in my head since this most recent layoff. Despite that my last two jobs ended due to corporate layoffs (budget-related and in one case 80 other people were let go and in the last one, 10 others were), I couldn't seem to shake the feeling that it WAS me and was personal and that I sucked. Fun headspace to be in, let me tell ya. And sure made starting on this writing test insanely easy.

Oddly, though, seeing that Imposter Syndrome helped me realize it's not just me, and then last night for my Goddess role, I was listening to a personal development webinar of sorts and one of the things that the hostess was saying was that people need to let go of limiting beliefs. Write them down and then burn them and that will help you in making them go away.

I didn't burn them (fire! fire!/ Beavis and Butthead) but instead I wrote them down and then erased them (thank you, makers of erasable pens for that ;) ) and that also helped. Hearing that this insanely successful woman has beliefs that make her think less of herself also helped tremendously. Of course, she also is dealing with her husband having terminal end-stage cancer. Good lord, I welled up when she revealed that. She is dealing with the soon-to-be-loss of her husband and still taking the time to help us succeed.

Yeah, that was the whack over the head I needed to get the fuck out of my own way. I told myself that today was the day I was finishing these come hell or high water. (They're due tomorrow, but I told myself TODAY was the day because I didn't want them hanging over me for another moment.) So, I grabbed my tea (already had coffee), put on the Soft Rock station (dumb move as "I Will Always Love You" came on from The Bodyguard and that also brought the tears flowing again -- apparently with Bowie, this woman's husband -- who hasn't yet died, and Rickman, my emotions are all in a mess. Yowza).

But, dear reader, I did it.

I finished those documents and they're done. I sent them off to the hiring manager and what happens from here is meant to be. I don't know if he'll think they're what he wants and if he doesn't, that's okay. Yes, I'll be bummed, but I'll be okay and I'll find the right job. If he does, and I get the job, that is what's meant to be.

Ben the Bachelor - Episode 2

Wasn't sure if I'd be putting this up as I've done a lot of work writing today, but apparently this also wanted to be written, so I'm getting it out.

Week 2 of Ben the Bachelor. Refer here for my thoughts on the first episode.

The second episode is typically when we start to see personalities, and ohhh, baby, did we EVER start to see personalities. And some of those personalities were supposed to be hidden. Yowza.

First, Ben. Last week, I called him a pup and I'm still sticking with that. He's still so, so, sooo young. However, he was cuter this week and then on the after-show, they had footage of him in a shower. <insert jaw drop here> Wow. Nice. I'm a big fan of showers in general (and I'll wisely leave the rest there to the readers imagination) and Ben in a shower did not disappoint. Okay, it's official. I get it. Funny how in a suit or clothes he's just okay, but show him wet in a shower and I'm drooling. Yeah, that makes sense.

The High School Date: Wow. Just wow. The innuendo was blowing up right along with that volcano, and it was awesome. Sure, producers, make it so the girls have to basically make out by passing an apple to each other with their mouths. I think Ben's volcano probably burst right then and there. ;) I can't say a thing about the geography part because I'm the worst at that. I'd like to think I would have been fine with the volcano and the apple bobbing and possibly the free throws, if our basketball hoop here is any indication. The track, though with the hurdles? Oh, hell, no. I would have tripped over the first one and busted an ankle. Nope, nope, nope. Becca impressed me again with the easy shots she made while she was talking to Ben after. Well played!

Now for the ladies.

Lace: Honey, you're continuing to get the "Oh, honey" with the head shake from me. I feel awful for you having to watch this weeks/months after it was filmed, but yikes. When you say "I'm not crazy", it's pretty much known code for "I'm about to show you just how flipping crazy I am" and that you did. Darlin, you were not even remotely eye-fucking Ben. That was just normal eye contact. Please, please, please get a clue. And stop being pissed that you get interrupted when you're talking to Ben when you're doing the same thing. The look on Ben's face after he gave you the rose pretty much showed that the producers told him he needs to keep you on. Ees noooot okay.

Caila: Such a good sport for that "Ride Along" date with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. The hot tub would have been hot, if it were not it being in the middle of a store (???) and for also having your buddy Kevin Hart there, too. I doubt highly that he was naked in the hot tub despite the black bar when he got out, but great job reacting to it as if it were so. You're still on my watch list, though, with the whole "broke up with your boyfriend when you saw Ben on TV" back story.

Olivia: You're getting dangerously close to an "Oh, honey..." This is the first date, so you all have been in the house for just a few days. This is not the time to decide you're "winning" (and oh lord, please do not pull a Courtney and start singing "I've got the roooooosssee" next) and that Ben is yours and the whole show should just be over. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. If you don't win a la Courtney, you're being set up to look like the "evil" one and no one wants that. Rein it in.

Amber: You've been on various iterations of this show 3 times now, yes? Chris' season, then Bachelor in Paradise and now Ben's season. You know what the show is about. So, why on earth are you just sitting there whining about how you haven't had any time with Ben and haven't had any chance to talk to him? Get up from that couch and go find him and talk to him. Stop it.

No one else really stood out to me this week. I thought the present of a picture that Ben gave to Lauren B was adorable and very sweet, and showed he was thinking about her -- until he then gave the one who caused the volcano to explode the highest a ribbon and then made barrettes with Amanda for her daughters. We get it, Ben, you're the sweetest, but again it's only the first week. Far too early for these presents.

I already mentioned the after show with the shower scene, but also need to mention Kris Jenner being on it. I grimaced when I saw she was on, but dammit, show! You actually made her seem like a fun person. What the hell?

The Bowie Blues

Anyone who's read this blog and knows of my love for the character of Jareth (and a certain enhanced body part of his -- and thank you to the people that found and viewed that post today...) had to see this blog coming a mile away.

As I scrolled down my FB news feed this morning, the first post I saw was from a dear friend who posted "I can't believe he's gone". Knowing that she's married with three kids -- two of whom are boys -- that was a bit concerning, but I thought to glance over at trending news to see if any celebs had passed overnight. And there it was. David Bowie had died.

I was struck silent (a rarity for me), and quickly read the article, thinking it had to be a car accident or something because he was relatively young at 69. Nope. Cancer. Pardon my French, but fuck cancer. I've known too many people that it's hit -- from my mom having breast cancer twice (she survived, thankfully) to my nana with liver cancer and so many more. It's just brutal and there's no rhyme or reason to it.

With that said, I read through post after post about Bowie's passing -- and adding my own, of course. I held back the tears though as life needed to continue, getting my son ready to school and then driving him to school. After I dropped him off, I turned on my CD player, thinking I still had Bowie's CD in there. I had blared "Life on Mars" and "Heroes" Friday as a confidence-booster before a job interview, which definitely helped. However, I had since changed the CD over to Indigo Girls and I found "Ghost" coming through the speakers. Ha! Well played, coincidence. I sang along with tears running down my cheeks, missing someone I'd never met but who had played quite a large part in my life over the years.

I was first introduced to David Bowie via "Labyrinth" and we already know my feelings on that movie. I was a lonely shy as hell little girl who wanted desperately to be somewhere else, and David Bowie's Goblin land sure seemed like a perfect place. The masquerade ball. Come on. It looked like bliss. Yes, it was a dream/vision, but still -- it looked heavenly. And David Bowie as Jareth became my dream man in the process.

After that, he wasn't really on my radar until college when I met my people and finally felt like I fit in somewhere. Thanks to my radio DJ buds/dorm-mates, I learned about more of David Bowie's music. "Heroes" and "Modern Love" still makes me think of basement parties in college and freedom and fun.

I still remember being at a college bud's graduation party (he'd graduated the year before me) and hanging out in the backyard with some people I knew and friends of theirs that I hadn't previously met. Found myself talking with one of those guys -- an artist-type with long blonde hair who burst into "Ground Control to Major Tom" and I smiled because it was just so quirky and unexpected. It was one of those moments that will always stick with me. That guy... Not so much. He came to a party we had in our suite a few months later. I was pleasantly shocked to see him, but I hadn't yet mastered the whole actually talking to guys I was attracted to thing. Oof. Yeah, I thought that if things were meant to be, the conversation just flowed and didn't need to be worked on. Naive!! Not too surprisingly, he wound up talking to another person that was interested in art like he was and actually talked -- my best friend. Yup, double oof. He asked her out and she came to me because she knew I'd been interested in him. I gave her my blessing (how could I not?) and they went out once and then never again because he wouldn't slow down at on ramps to let other people get on the highway. Looking back at that, I wonder if she stopped seeing him due to our friendship because that seems like an odd reason to end something. But regardless, that song will always make me think of that moment in the backyard at dusk.

Then, I found "Life on Mars" the UK version and was hooked. That started my love for British dramas which then led to "Doctor Who" and "Ashes to Ashes" (the follow up to Life on Mars, which I'm bummed I can't find for US DVDs...)

All of this is to say, thank you, Mr. Bowie, for helping a girl who always thought she was quite weird feel very not so weird over the years and find kinship and growth.

Why Job Hunting is Like Dating

Just finished a week's worth of job hunting and interviewing (the job hunting has been going on since mid-December, but the interviewing has all been this week due to the holidays), and realized just how much job hunting and interviewing is like dating.

Job Hunting

First, you have to find something you're actually interested in. This entails signing up for various online job boards (aka dating sites); looking through job listing after job listing (profiles); and swiping left or right in a sense after reading through the job listing and seeing if it is right for you. Sometimes, you can tell at a glance if it's not, especially if they list the salary they're looking pay. Oh, lord. Can't tell you the amount of times I've thought a job was just up my alley, until I see the salary at the bottom. Yeah, I'm not taking a job for $20-$30K LESS than what I'm used to making. Sorry, Charlie.

If it all actually sounds like something I'd be interested in and would be good at, I "swipe right" by sending in my resume and cover letter, which has been personalized for that company and the listing itself. Then, I sit and wait to see if they'll "swipe left" by not replying at all or sending back the dreaded "We're not interested at this time" mass email. Boo on those, by the way. How do they know they're not interested without even meeting me? Or they also "swipe right" by setting up a time for a phone interview or going straight to an in-person interview.

Interviews

Holy hell, this has seriously been like a ton of first dates one after the other. Here's why:

• I get all dressed up to show them me at my best. 
• I put on my pheromones -- Gives that little extra "You will love me because I'm awesome and you'll find yourself attracted to me (in a totally job-friendly, not dating, way)". If you don't have any pheromones and you're job hunting or dating, contact me, by the way. ;) 
• I meet each person and wonder if I could see myself actually working with them on a daily basis, while they're thinking the same thing
• We're both looking to see if it's a good fit

Of course, there's also apparently a new thing I didn't know about before now. I was asked on a phone interview to participate in a group interview. Okay, at first that sounded like I'd be meeting with a group of people from the company at one time. Sure. NO. It's not that. This is me and a bunch of other candidates for the same job meeting with two to three people from the company all at the same time. 

Umm, yikes. I've seen this before on "The Bachelor" and that doesn't go well. No group dates. Just no. Job Hunting: The Hunger Games doesn't sound appealing. Needless to say, I passed on that one. The job didn't seem like a good fit after the phone interview anyway. 

Ghosting

Oh, ghosting. I am so glad this was not around (or if it was, I didn't know about it) back when I was dating. You meet someone; you date them either once or a few times; and then poof, they're gone. Now if they actually died, that's a whole different thing. Can't fault them for that. But this is when one day they're in contact with you and you think things are fine, and then the next day, blammo, zero contact from then on, leaving you to wonder what the eff just happened. 

Has this happened to me in job hunting? Unfortunately yes. I don't recommend it. ;) I was contacted by a company about 6 months ago (yes, I was job hunting then, too -- thanks, company layoffs...) because they were interested in me from my LinkedIn profile. I had a phone interview with the recruiter. Went great. Had a phone interview with someone who I thought would be the hiring manager but wasn't (still figuring that one out) and that went great. Had an in-person interview and met with 5 different people that day. Went great. They asked me back for a second in-person to meet with 3 other people and the hiring manager and recruiter again. Fine by me. That all went great, minus with one guy who I'd be working with who had just started there. He asked some odd questions that threw me. I sent the usual follow-up thank you emails, and nada. Absolute zippo for communication after that. Still not sure what happened there. In a karmic twist, that job is now open again (not applying for it at all) and the job of the guy who had just started there is also open again. Wow. Probably for the best that they ghosted me, but here's my advice. Do not ghost people. Not interested? Tell them. Be honest. Be transparent. Be open. 

The Upside of Mercury in Retrograde

Two posts in one day. What the hell? But I had to post this one, after being inspired by something that just happened.

We've all heard of the dread Mercury in Retrograde, right? Hell breaks loose, computers and all electronics stop working, etc etc... Yeah, there's another side of that, kids, and I'm here to make you see that along with some very entertaining moments that have happened in the past two days thanks to Mercury in Retrograde.

Yes, communication can go wonky. But there's a side of this time that no one really talks about. This is the time when you get a second chance and who the fuck doesn't want that, right? Have you lost touch with someone? They'll come back during this time if they're supposed to. Trust me...

Want proof? You've got it.

Yesterday morning, I was sitting in the car waiting to head inside for a job interview so I was checking FB as one does. I saw a notification of a friend request, which can always be good or gaaah. This one was REALLY good. It was from a high school friend that I'd lost touch with about a year ago. She's someone who made high school not so horrible for me -- I hated high school and was a self-conscious mess. But she complimented my outfit one day and she was seriously a fashion icon to me and it made my day then. Seriously, it was a bright spot in a crappy time and clearly stuck with me all these years. So I was glad to get back in touch on FB a few years back. We were buds sharing posts with each other and our lives, and then we just fell out of touch and unfriended for a while. I'd reached out to her a few weeks ago to share a funny video because I was thinking of her. But I couldn't pull the trigger on sending a friend request because I didn't want to risk having it rejected. And then she re-friend requested me yesterday -- on the morning of Mercury in Retrograde -- and I'm just so freaking grateful to have her back in my life.

More proof? Yesterday afternoon, I got an email from the VP of a company who was interested in talking to me about a resume I'd sent in. His name rang a bell, but I couldn't place it so I checked the name in gmail. Sure enough, I had talked to him back years ago about a Director position at his company (have to love the longevity that he's still there), but that was not at all the right fit for me then. Not even remotely. But now... Now just might be the right time for me to have a second chance (the right chance) at that company. I don't know, but it's good to have that possibility.

And one more. There's another company -- and specifically a person there -- that I've talked to over the years about working there or freelancing there. But the timing has just never been right. I was actually thinking about the person I was talking to there this morning, but haven't checked out his LinkedIn profile to see if he's even still with the company. Yeaaah... I just went to LinkedIn to see if I was connected with a friend who wanted to talk to me about contracting (we are indeed connected) and saw a new activity on my profile. I clicked and literally laughed out loud when I saw that it was that guy from that company checking out my profile.

Okay, Mercury in Retrograde, that'll do... Who else is rising from the ashes?

Ben the Bachelor

Here we are, folks. It's another season of "The Bachelor" and I'm sure this year will be the most dramatic season ever as the bachelor follows his journey to find love while being a kissing bandit. Listen, as long as the words "Ees okay" are not issued by my least-favorite bachelor ever, Juan Pablo, it's all good.

Ben, Ben, Ben. So young. So, so, soooo young. Yikes. 26. He's still a pup! And I don't know about you all, but to me, he just has way too much of that clean-cut look to him. I'm reminded of a dark-haired Richie Cunningham... and that's not a good thing. I dated a red-haired Richie Cunningham the summer after college and he was a sweetheart, but just no. Too earnest, too quiet, too much about how everything looked (aka his family went out on their boat not to enjoy being on the boat, but to be "seen" and the sole destination was a bar where they could also be seen). Again, no. So, Ben isn't starting off on the "hottest bachelor ever" path for me. That could change, but that title remains with Sean Lowe. Tall, hot, hunky. And hey, totally fine with the self-professed re-virginization bit -- mainly because of his abs. I'm shallow. I'm aware.

Let's talk about some of the bachelorettes, shall we? And I'm not giving a single spoiler here, don't worry. Yes, I've read good ol' Reality Steve and yes, I know how the season plays out, but I'm not saying a word. You want to find out -- you can go read.

* Lace. Oh, Lace, Lace, Lace. Hot. Loved the dress (of course it was lace!). She clearly caught our dear sweet Ben's eye, but then she turned into a raving psycho being pissed that someone stole Ben away from her while they were talking (has she not seen the show??) and then that Ben "didn't look at her once". Ay yi yi. Give the boy a break. He had to remember all of your names. I'm pretty sure he didn't look at any of you. I'm sure they'll be focusing on her a bit because of her antics.

* Becca. Hot. With a capital H. Smoking hot. I still don't understand how Chris Soules didn't pick her and went with Whitney instead. (And yes, we see how well that turned out...). Glad Ben called her name to give her a rose. Her hair is awesome. Her bod is awesome. She seems to be a sweetheart. And yes, she's a virgin, but so weren't we all until that first partner. Big deal. Any guy with sense in his head wouldn't be daunted by that.

* Lauren B. Loved her dress. Light/periwinkle blue is a fave of mine (heck, I'm wearing a sweater in that shade right now), so that caught my eye. First out of the limo and she walked over to Ben with a glass of champagne (is he of legal age to drink? Kidding. Kind of...) as he entered the room, which takes chutzpah, so I'm impressed. She looks like she might be a bit too giggly, but that's based entirely on her hair color and I get that's one hell of a stereotype.

* Mandi (she of the wearing a gigantic rose on her head). Oh, honey... Whatever producer talked you into that, I sure hope you stopped listening to them, because no. You do get props for getting a kiss from Baby Boy Ben after you examined his teeth and gums (ack!), but noooo. And honestly, I actually can't remember if she went home that first night or if he kept her, so that shows how memorable she was minus the rose and makeout session.

* Caila. She caught my eye since she's from Boston. But let me get this straight. She was dating someone and saw Ben ON TV and decided that her relationship wasn't working out because she was attracted to someone she had never met and saw on TV. Huh. Okay. So I guess every relationship/marriage ever is doooomed because hell, I always find people attractive on TV. That's kind of why they're on TV. Loon.

* The Twins. Nope. Sorry. Not discussing them, except to say that I look forward to seeing them on the next season of "Bachelor in Paradise" since I'm sure they will be on there.